Narcissistic abuse is a deeply traumatic experience that can leave lasting emotional scars, as we see every single week on the podcast. Survivors often find themselves struggling with emotional regulation, which is the ability to manage and respond to emotions in a balanced way. Emotional dysregulation, where feelings can become overwhelming or hard to control, is common among those who have endured this form of abuse. But why does narcissistic abuse, in particular, lead to such deep emotional turmoil?
One of the most damaging aspects of narcissistic abuse is gaslighting. The narcissist constantly manipulates you into doubting your own reality and emotions. Over time, this invalidation erodes your confidence in your own perceptions, leaving you confused and filled with self-doubt. You may start to question whether your emotions are valid, which can make it hard to maintain emotional balance.
Imagine being repeatedly told that your feelings are wrong or that you’re “overreacting” to things that truly distress you. Over time, this causes you to feel off-balance emotionally, unsure of how to trust or respond to your own feelings, something known as self-gaslighting.
When you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you’re often in a constant state of hypervigilance, always trying to predict and prevent their emotional outbursts. This keeps you in a heightened state of anxiety, where you feel you have to constantly adjust your behaviour to avoid conflict. Living in this state of chronic stress makes it understandably difficult to regulate your emotions.
When you’re always trying to anticipate the narcissist’s reactions, you can lose touch with your own emotional responses. This constant tension can lead you to either overreact to minor stresses or shut down completely when emotions become overwhelming.
Narcissists are experts at emotional manipulation. They may shower you with love and affection one moment (love-bombing), only to withdraw it or criticise you harshly the next. This creates a cycle of emotional highs and lows, leaving you feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. Over time, this push-pull dynamic makes it hard for you to find stability or balance in your feelings. It can even lead to behaviours like people-pleasing in your relationships.
This pattern can heighten your sensitivity to rejection and make it difficult to trust your emotions, as you’re constantly waiting for the next shift in the narcissist’s behaviour.
Narcissistic abuse often leads to a gradual erosion of your identity. Over time, the narcissist dominates the relationship to the point where you lose touch with your own needs, desires, and emotional responses. When you lose this connection to yourself, it becomes harder to regulate your emotions because you no longer have a clear sense of who you are. For those with narcissistic parents, it is likely you were never allowed to develop your own identity, which makes this process even harder.
In conclusion, emotional dysregulation after narcissistic abuse is rooted in sustained manipulation, gaslighting, and the constant fear of the narcissist’s reactions. Rebuilding emotional balance requires time and often professional support to help you not only reconnect with yourself, but to learn to trust your feelings again. Professional help, in the form of therapy or educational courses focused on identity building can be a helpful step, guiding you through the process of rediscovering your core values and personal strength as you heal. Surrounding yourself with a community of people that understand what you’re going through can also be immensely helpful to understand and process what’s happened to you, as well as hearing from other people on similar journeys to healing.
