Remember when your social calendar used to be full of coffee dates, pub quizzes, and weekend brunches with friends? When was the last time you actually made it to one? Perhaps you’ve noticed yourself making more and more excuses—it’s too complicated to arrange, it’s easier to stay in, it’s not worth the hassle of explaining where you’re going. Or maybe you’ve found yourself thinking that your friends wouldn’t understand your life anyway.
If these thoughts sound familiar, you might be experiencing one of the most subtle yet devastating forms of control at the hands of a narcissist without even realising. Read on to find out how narcissists use isolation to control and manipulate their victims.
In romantic relationships, narcissistic isolation typically begins like a slow-moving tide—so gradual you might not notice until you’re already surrounded. It starts with seemingly loving behaviour: “I just want to spend more time with you” or “Nobody understands our special connection.” Rather charming at first, isn’t it? There is often excessive compliments and affection, typical signs of love-bombing.
But then the tide turns. Your partner might begin questioning your friendships: “Does Sarah always have to be so negative?” or “I noticed James looking at you—are you sure he just wants to be mates?” They’ll plant seeds of doubt about your judgment, suggesting that you’re naive about others’ intentions. They can start gaslighting you, making you believe a different narrative to suit their goal of isolating you.
Social events become minefields. If you attend without them, you’ll face sulking or accusations. If you go together, they might create scenes or embarrass you subtly, making social gatherings so stressful that you eventually stop accepting invitations. It’s easier to stay home than deal with the aftermath, right?
Narcissistic parents operate differently, but with the same end goal. They often start their isolation tactics during childhood, when their control can seem like protection. “Those children aren’t good enough for you” or “Our family is special—we need to stick together” become familiar family mottos.
They might sabotage friendships by being overly strict about visits, making your home an unwelcoming place for friends, or creating embarrassing scenes. As you grow older, they’ll often interfere with your independence by questioning your choices in education, careers, or relationships—anything that might take you away from their sphere of influence.
Family events become opportunities for manipulation. Dare to question them and you might be subject to a smear campaign; they might spread gossip about you to relatives or create dramatic scenarios that paint you as problematic, effectively isolating you from extended family who might otherwise offer support.
Whether it’s a partner or parent, the isolation playbook shares some key tactics:
The end goal remains consistent: a dependent victim whose reality is entirely shaped by the narcissist’s perspective. Without outside viewpoints to challenge their narrative, the narcissist’s version of reality becomes your only reference point.
The first step to breaking free from the isolation tactice of a narcissist is being able to spot the signs. If you find yourself increasingly isolated, ask yourself: Are your relationships being criticised constantly? Do you feel guilty for spending time with others? Is maintaining friendships becoming exhausting because of someone’s reactions?
Remember, healthy relationships encourage connection with others. They don’t demand exclusivity or isolation. Whether it’s a parent or partner, anyone who tries to cut you off from your support network likely has motives that deserve questioning.
Over time, with improved self-esteem and a strong identity, you’ll be able to recognise these patterns for what they are: control tactics, not care.
