We’re living in an increasingly compassionate era of mental health awareness. Society is gradually embracing the understanding that emotional struggles are complex, nuanced, and deserve empathy amd support. This shift towards tolerance and understanding is genuinely beautiful—a testament to our growing emotional intelligence.

But compassion doesn’t mean absolving people of responsibility for their actions. And when it comes to narcissism, there’s a crucial line that needs drawing.

Do they know they’re doing it?

We hear this question a lot from our clients, and we’ve covered it on the podcast. Narcissists aren’t unwitting victims of their own behaviour. They’re calculating, strategic, and fundamentally aware of their actions. Unlike other mental health conditions where individuals might struggle to control their impulses, narcissists are masters of manipulation—they know exactly what buttons they’re pressing and they press them because it benefits them.

Think of it like a chess game where they’re always three moves ahead. They understand precisely how to:

• Create trauma bonds
• Manipulate emotional responses
• Isolate their victims
• Control narratives

This isn’t accidental. It’s intentional.

It might not be their fault

Many narcissists develop their behaviours as survival mechanisms—often stemming from childhood experiences of extreme abuse, neglect, or overwhelming parental dynamics. Their condition is a protective shell developed to survive emotional invalidation. But survival strategies that worked in childhood become toxic patterns in adult relationships.

The key distinction? While the origin of their behaviour isn’t their fault, continuing those behaviours absolutely is their responsibility.

The bottom line

You are not obligated to tolerate abuse, regardless of its psychological origins. Compassion has limits, and those limits end where your wellbeing begins. A mental health diagnosis explains behaviour—it never excuses it. Even in the absence of a diagnosis, look at the behaviour. The behaviour is enough for you to be able to decide if that person deserves to be in your life.

If a person recognises their harmful patterns and refuses to change, they’re choosing toxicity. And you have every right to protect yourself.

Remember: Understanding is not the same as acceptance, and mental illness or trauma is not an excuse to be an abuser.