Conflict is a normal part of any relationship, but not all conflict is productive or healthy. When disagreements become toxic, they can damage the bond between partners, friends, or family members. A sign of a strong relationship is that you’re comfortable managing conflict and can repair a relationship afterwards. If you’re not sure if the conflict in your relationship is becoming toxic, here are six signs to watch out for:
One of the clearest signs of unhealthy conflict is when disagreements turn personal. Instead of focusing on the issue at hand, people start attacking each other’s character. This might involve name-calling, belittling, or making sarcastic, hurtful comments like, “You’re so lazy” or “You always mess everything up.”
Personal attacks shift the conversation from solving a problem to making the other person feel bad, which only escalates the tension and leads to more hurt feelings. In a healthy conflict, the focus should always remain on the behaviour or issue, not the person.
Another common sign of unhealthy conflict is when one or both people stop talking altogether. This is often referred to as the “silent treatment.” Rather than addressing the issue, someone shuts down, avoids communication, or even gives their partner the cold shoulder for days on end. We see this within narcissistic systems, where the silent treatment is used in order to manipulate or abuse someone. It can also be used as a form of punishment for daring to challenge the narcissist, and we often see people-pleasing as a fallout from this type of emotional abuse.
In healthy conflict, taking a break to calm down is fine (and a healthy way to manage emotional dysregulation!), but ongoing avoidance doesn’t solve the problem. It creates distance and prevents both parties from understanding each other’s perspective, leaving the underlying issue unresolved.
If you or your partner are always on the defensive during disagreements, it’s a sign that conflict is becoming unhealthy. Defensiveness means refusing to take responsibility or acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Common defensive responses include phrases like, “It’s not my fault!” or “You’re overreacting!”. This can be confused with gaslighting, another form of emotional abuse where the abuser tries to convince a person that their reality isn’t true – gaslighting is a more insidious, longer term tactic used by abusers, whereas defensiveness tends to be much more ‘in the moment’.
When people are defensive, it shuts down the opportunity for open communication. Healthy conflict involves listening, reflecting on the other person’s concerns, and being willing to admit when you’re wrong.
Stonewalling occurs when one person completely shuts down during an argument. This could look like refusing to engage, ignoring the other person, or physically leaving the situation. It’s often a way to avoid feeling overwhelmed, but it can be incredibly damaging to the relationship. Having a moment to calm down and regulate emotions is one thing, but to completely withdraw from situations is harmful for a number of reasons. Be very wary of a person’s actions at the other end of the spectrum too – if someone all of a sudden is full of flattery, compliments and gifts, they may be love-bombing you.
When someone stonewalls, the other person may feel abandoned or rejected. Over time, this behaviour can create a sense of emotional disconnection, as the issues between them are never properly addressed or resolved.
Instead of openly discussing the problem, some people resort to passive-aggressive behaviour. This might include sulking, making backhanded compliments, or subtly sabotaging the other person. For example, someone who feels upset about their partner spending too much time out with friends might say, “It must be nice to have so much free time,” rather than expressing their feelings directly.
Passive-aggressive behaviour undermines trust and creates confusion. The other person may not even realise there’s an issue, which makes it impossible to work through the conflict together.
Unhealthy conflict often involves dragging up old arguments and unresolved issues from the past. Instead of staying focused on the current disagreement, people bring up every past mistake or disagreement, making it impossible to address the present concern. This is sometimes called “kitchen-sinking,” where everything gets thrown into the mix.
This type of conflict prevents any real resolution because it overwhelms the conversation. The person on the receiving end feels bombarded and defensive, while the core issue remains buried under a pile of past grievances. If you find yourself on the receiving end of this, remember it’s OK to redirect the conversation back to the matter at hand, like “I understand you’re concerned about X, but right now we’re talking about Y so let’s focus on this first”.
Conflict is inevitable in relationships, how you handle it makes all the difference. Unhealthy conflict involves blame, avoidance, and emotional shutdowns, while healthy conflict encourages open communication and mutual understanding. If you recognise any of these signs in your relationships (including partner, parent, friend or colleague), it might be time to rethink how you approach disagreements, and seek ways to foster healthier communication strategies. It can help to bring in an impartial professional, like a therapist or couples counsellor, who can help you develope these skills together. Ultimately, if a person refuses to learn to handle conflict in a responsible, healthy way, there may be some tough decisions to be made about the future of the relationship.
