Imagine an unexpected knock on the door in the middle of a busy day, or when you’re just waking up the baby from their nap. You’re worried the house is a mess and you don’t have the mental space to host visitors right now, especially when it’s sprung on you with no warning!

Your home should feel like a place of sanctuary and safety, and unwanted visitors or unannounced visits like this can be incredibly challenging to handle. When someone has grown up with a narcissistic parent or within an emotionally abusive environment, it can be even harder to manage. When you have been surrounded by people that feel entitled to your time, space and resources, it’s no surprise that it’s difficult to know what to do in this situation. So, let’s start at the beginning.

Fear of retaliation

For those who have grown up with emotionally abusive parents or have been in abusive relationships, saying no and setting boundaries can feel impossible. People-pleasing often becomes a survival mechanism. The fear of upsetting others or facing retaliation makes standing up for yourself seem daunting. If you’ve been punished or shamed every time you’ve expressed your needs, it makes sense that now you’re afraid to do so. One of the biggest ramifications of experiencing narcissistic abuse is a loss of identity: this means you can lose sight of what’s important to you and what behaviour you will and won’t tolerate.

First Step: Setting Boundaries

The first step in dealing with unwanted visitors is setting clear boundaries. This can be incredibly difficult, but boundaries are like muscles; the more you use them the stronger they get! Here’s how to start:

1. Communicate Clearly: Let the person know the boundaries. For example, say, “I need you to call before visiting,” or “I’m not comfortable with unannounced visits.” Clear communication sets the stage for enforcing boundaries.
2. Be Consistent: Once a boundary is set, stick to it! This is the most difficult step, but it does get easier with time. Allowing exceptions can confuse the other person and weaken your resolve. Consistency is key to maintaining boundaries, and remember to recognise those moments you feel afraid or want to give in, and remind yourself why you set the boundary in the first place.
3. Use Technology: Technology can be an ally. Use tools like caller ID, doorbell cameras, or intercoms to screen visitors. This way, you can decide whether or not to engage without the pressure of face-to-face confrontation.

What to do when visitors show up unannounced

Sometimes, despite best efforts, people will still show up when you’re not expecting them, or they’ll ignore your repeated requests. Here’s how to handle these situations:

1. Don’t Answer the Door: It’s perfectly okay not to answer the door if someone shows up uninvited. There’s no obligation to entertain anyone at the expense of personal comfort and safety.
2. Set Firm Limits: If the door is answered, be polite but firm. Say something like, “Now is not a good time. Please call ahead next time.” This reinforces the boundary without being confrontational.
3. Have a Plan: Create a plan for handling unannounced visits. Discuss it with supportive friends or family members so they can help reinforce boundaries if needed. Be ready in case your unexpected visitor tries to make you feel guilty or tries to manipulate you. This can be by saying things like “but I travelled all this way!” or “I can’t believe you don’t want to spend time with me!”, or by grand displays of emotion such as crying or banging on the door.
4. Call the Police if Necessary: If the behaviour of the visitor is threatening or intimidating, do not hesitate to call the police. Your safety is paramount, and it’s important to take any threatening behaviour seriously and act to protect yourself. In a recent podcast, The Legal Queen shared how difficult emotional abuse is to prove in the courtroom; she explained how important it is to have these instances documented even if there’s no action taken by the police, just in case they’re ever needed in future proceedings.

Trust your instincts

Dealing with unwanted visitors and unannounced visits is never easy, especially when there’s a history of narcissistic or emotional abuse. Prioritising your safety and personal well-being by setting and maintaining boundaries is essential because everyone deserves to feel safe and respected in their own space. There are resources and people who can offer support along the way. Stay strong and remember that there is a reason you don’t want this person to enter your space, and you’re absolutely within your rights to ask them to stay away.