If you often find yourself bending over backwards to make others happy, even at the expense of your own wellbeing, you might be a people pleaser. It’s a term that gets thrown around a lot, but what does it really mean? And why does this tendency develop, especially in those who’ve grown up with narcissistic parents?

What is People Pleasing?

People pleasing is more than just being nice or considerate. It’s when you go out of your way to please others, to the point where it affects your own happiness, health, or values. This isn’t about genuine kindness or empathy; it’s about feeling compelled to make everyone around you happy, often out of fear or anxiety.

If you’re a people pleaser, you might struggle with saying no, constantly seek approval, and avoid conflict like the plague. It can feel like your self-worth is tied to how others perceive you, making it difficult to assert your own needs or desires.

The Roots: Growing Up with Narcissistic Parents

People pleasing often starts in childhood, particularly in environments where love and approval were conditional. If you grew up with narcissistic parents, this might ring especially true. Narcissistic parents can be demanding, critical, and emotionally unavailable, often making you feel like you have to earn their love by meeting their expectations or keeping them happy.

In such an environment, you learn early on that your needs aren’t as important as your parents’ needs. You might have been praised for being “a good boy/girl” when you catered to their wishes or criticised when you dared to assert yourself. Over time, this conditioning can lead to deeply ingrained people-pleasing tendencies and a fear of rejection that are hard to shake off, even as an adult.

Signs You Might Be a People Pleaser

1. Difficulty Saying No
   Do you find it nearly impossible to say no, even when you’re stretched thin or uncomfortable with a request? If the thought of disappointing someone makes you anxious, you might be a people pleaser. You might agree to things you really don’t want to do just to avoid the guilt or fear of letting someone down.
   
2. Constant Need for Approval
   If you’re always seeking validation or reassurance from others, it could be a sign of people-pleasing. This might manifest as fishing for compliments, over-apologising, or feeling devastated by criticism, no matter how minor.
   
3. Fear of Conflict
   Do you go out of your way to avoid conflict, even when it means compromising your own beliefs or needs? People pleasers often prefer to keep the peace at all costs, even if it means sacrificing their own happiness.
   
4. Putting Others’ Needs Before Your Own
   If you habitually prioritise others’ needs over your own, you might be a people pleaser. This could mean neglecting your own wellbeing—like skipping meals, sleep, or self-care—just to ensure others are happy or comfortable.
   
5. Overwhelming Guilt
   Do you feel guilty when you can’t meet someone’s expectations? People pleasers often carry an immense amount of guilt, feeling like they’ve failed when they’re unable to please everyone around them.

Why People Pleasing is Harming Your Relationships

On the surface, it’s easy to feel like people pleasing enriches relationships because you are just showing you care, right? Unfortunately, it’ destrimental in a number of unexpected ways.

1. Denying Someone’s ‘No’
   If a friend knows you’ll always say yes, they won’t be able to trust that you are doing something because you want to, not because you feel like you have to. Being able to reject someone, in a healthy way, is a cornerstone of good relationships and people pleasing takes this away.
   
2. It Can Lead to Punishment
   Imagine a scenario in a restaurant – a patron tells the server that their food is delicious, they eat it all and upon leaving they tell the manager how awful it was and leave a terrible online review. See how unfair that is when the restaurant staff weren’t told there was an issue? We owe it to the people we value to have honest and open communication, and this means telling them when something isn’t right. Ultimately, we want to avoid passive aggressive and toxic behaviour, which is an easy pattern to fall into for people pleasers.
   
3. We Deserve Authenticity
   When we ask our friends for their opinion, we’re asking because we want them to tell us the truth! If someone says they love every single movie suggestion without offering their own opinion because they’re afraid of being rejected, it leads to inevitable strain on those relationships (and it’s an exhausting expectation to put on the other person who is genuinely showing an interest!). Of course, constructive criticism and healthy rejection is very different to outright toxic behaviour, but being able to trust someone’s ‘no’ means we can also trust their ‘yes’.

Breaking the Cycle

Trust us, we know how difficult it can be to recognising these signs and realise you may be a people pleaser. However, knowledge and awareness are the first steps towards breaking the cycle of people pleasing. It’s about understanding where these tendencies come from and learning to set boundaries, assert your needs, and say no without guilt. Coping with rejection is at the heart of people-pleasing, and with practice, self-compassion and the support of a good therapist or community, it is possible to unpick these patterns and develop healthier ways to relate to others – and yourself.

Remember, it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. You deserve to be happy too.