Friendships are a vital part of our lives, providing us with support, joy, and companionship. We often share personal values or political and religious views with our friends; sometimes it’s a shared sense of humour; or we enjoy the same hobbies and interests. Our need for connection has been part of human behaviour from the earliest civilisations and we’re simply hard-wired to seek a community of people similar to us!
However, as harsh as it may sound, not every friendship is meant to last forever. Whether it’s growing apart, changing priorities or you’re not sure what to look for like our listener in Episode 81, recognizing when it’s time to let go of a friendship is crucial for our well-being. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling drained or questioning if your friend is toxic, keep reading!
The ending of friendships can be a tough and emotional decision, but it’s important to approach it with compassion and understanding. There’s a reason why the friendship has soured, and if the people you surround yourself with make you unhappy then you owe it to yourself to make a change.
How can you tell if a friendship is toxic?
This isn’t an exhaustive list by any means, but we’re sharing a few behaviours to look out for when deciding if a friendship is helping or hurting you.
1. Consistent Negativity: If interactions with your friend consistently leave you feeling drained, unhappy, or stressed, it’s a sign that the friendship might be doing more harm than good. Healthy relationships should uplift you more often than they bring you down.
2. Lack of Trust: Trust is the foundation of any relationship. If you find yourself questioning their integrity or doubting their intentions, it’s a significant red flag. A friendship without trust is like a car without petrol; it won’t go far.
3. One-Sided Effort: Friendship is a two-way street. If you’re always the one initiating contact or making efforts to maintain the relationship, it can be emotionally exhausting. Both parties should be equally invested.
4. Disrespect of Boundaries: Everyone has personal boundaries, and a true friend should respect them. If your friend repeatedly ignores your boundaries or makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s a clear sign of disrespect.
5. Diverging Values and Interests: People change, and so do their values and interests. If you find that you no longer share common ground with your friend, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Once you’ve thought about what the friendship is bringing you, and you’ve made the decision to end it, there are a few things you can do to prepare. It goes without saying that these aren’t suitable for every situation and if you find yourself facing hostility, abuse or even violence, please prioritise your safety above all else.
How to Approach the End of a Friendship
1. Self-Reflection: Before making any decision, take some time to reflect. Ask yourself what you truly want from your friendships and whether this particular relationship aligns with those expectations. Do you share the same values? Can you trust them? What would your life be like without them?
2. Open Conversation: If possible, have an honest and open conversation with your friend. Express your feelings calmly and clearly. If they’ve repeatedly disrespected a boundary, you can tell them how it made you feel. Try to avoid ultimatums: trying to control someone’s behaviour rarely works, and if you’re at this stage it’s unlikely to be the solution you’re looking for. This can be a difficult conversation, but it’s often necessary.
3. Gradual Distance: In some cases, a direct conversation might not be feasible or necessary. Gradually reducing contact can be a more gentle way of easing out of the friendship. Going one step further, sometimes for your own mental wellbeing you need physical and digital distance. You’re allowed to block people on social media or delete phone numbers, if that’s what you need to do. You know yourself best and we encourage you to trust your judgement. Sometimes, grey rocking can be an effective strategy if it’s not safe to remove yourself.
4. Focus on Self-Care: Ending a friendship can be emotionally taxing. Make sure to take care of yourself during this time. Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace.
5. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from other friends, family, or even a professional if you’re struggling with the decision or its aftermath. Online groups like our Facebook Group are great places to vent, and there are an infinite number of support, hobby and friendship groups out there if you’d like to try something new!
Dealing with the Aftermath
It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions after ending a friendship, such as sadness, relief, guilt, or loneliness. Allow yourself to feel these emotions without judgement. Remember, it’s okay to mourn the loss of a friendship. We share so much of ourselves with our friends, with relationships often becoming deeper and more emotionally intimate over time. Just like a romantic break up, there is a certain grief associated with friendship breakups.
This is especially true for those who have experienced abuse or find themselves putting everyone else before themselves (known as “people-pleasing”). Feeling like you’ve upset or rejected someone can be a very difficult thing to sit with, and it’s important to recognise the root cause of these feelings and remember that you are allowed to put your own needs first.
At the same time, try to focus on the positive aspects of your decision. Remind yourself of the reasons why you chose to end the friendship and the benefits of surrounding yourself with people who uplift and support you.
Conclusion
Ending a friendship is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for your personal growth and happiness. As Helen often says, it’s a “bullsh*t filter”! When someone shows behaviours that are at odds with what you need and want from a friendship, trust that they’ve helped you with a hard decision!
It’s important to remember that it’s okay to outgrow relationships that no longer serve you. Approach the situation with compassion, not just for your friend, but also for yourself. In the end, prioritising your mental and emotional well-being is not selfish; it’s an act of self-love.
Remember, every end is a new beginning. Letting go of one friendship can make room for new, healthier relationships to enter your life. Embrace this change as an opportunity for growth and new connections, with the added pride that you can recognise when someone’s behaviour is harming you and walk away.
