Ever feel like you’re trapped in the same exhausting emotional pattern, playing out different versions of the same draining scene? Welcome to Karpman’s Drama Triangle – a psychological concept that’s particularly revealing in relationships with narcissists and toxic people.
In any toxic situation, you’ll typically spot these three roles:
The Victim: “Why does this always happen to me? Everyone’s against me.”
The Rescuer: “I’ll sort this out. Let me take care of everything.”
The Persecutor: “This is all your fault. You never get anything right.”
The trap? In toxic relationships, we rarely stay in one position. We shift between them, often unconsciously, perpetuating cycles of drama and emotional exhaustion.
Image credit: The Listening Paartnership
This pattern often mirrors our childhood experiences. If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you might’ve learned that being the Rescuer kept you safe, or that playing Victim was the only way to receive attention and care. These roles became survival strategies – but they don’t serve us anymore.
Here’s where real change happens. The Observer is your exit route from the triangle – a position of conscious awareness rather than reactive emotion. From here, you can:
Being the Observer means responding rather than reacting. It means saying “I hear you’re struggling, but I trust you can handle this” instead of rushing to rescue. It means acknowledging difficulties without falling into victimhood. It means setting boundaries without becoming the persecutor.
The first step is recognition. Notice when the triangle is forming. Are you being invited to rescue? Are you slipping into victim mode? Are you feeling the urge to persecute? This can be incredibly difficult for survivors of trauma or those with narcissistic parents. Remember, it’s not your fault that you needed to take on these roles to survive.
The second step is choice. You don’t have to accept these invitations into drama. You can choose to stay in Observer mode – present, aware, and unentangled.
Remember: getting pulled into the triangle isn’t a failure. It’s a human response to complex dynamics. But with awareness comes choice, and with choice comes freedom.
