Forget the 2024 Olympics that have started this week, we want to talk about the “trauma olympics”! It’s a casual term used for a very serious problem, often seen on social media or with narcissistic parents. The term “trauma olympics” refers to the unspoken competition where people compare their traumas to determine whose is the worst.
You might hear phrases like, “At least it wasn’t as bad as…”, or “Some people have it worse.” It’s often seen in response to someone sharing a valid concern; for example imagine you’re telling a colleague you’re feeling tired this morning, just to be met with a scolding dismissal that you can’t possibly be tired because you don’t have children like they do, or you haven’t worked three night shifts in a row, or a whole myriad of other reasons!
In the narcissistic family, we often hear of competitive grief, or the dismissal of a child’s feelings because the parent had it so much worse when they were younger.
Statements like these, although often well-meaning, can be profoundly invalidating. However, trauma isn’t a competition, and everyone’s experience is valid, deserving of empathy and understanding.
Trauma shows up in countless ways and affects people differently. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a natural disaster, or emotional abuse at the hands of a parent or partner, each experience carries its own weight and significance. Trying to rank these experiences diminishes their impact and invalidates the feelings of those who have endured them.
It’s also important to know that people are entitled to be angry or upset about more than one thing. For example, if someone is raising money for an animal charity, it doesn’t mean they don’t care about a children’s charity! It also doesn’t mean that one cause is less significant than the other: more than one issue can co-exist at the same time without it being a competition.
Statements like the ones in this article imply that your pain is less significant, which may lead to feelings of guilt, or even shame, for feeling hurt. This mindset can prevent you from seeking the help you need, perpetuating a cycle of suffering.
Invalidation can take many forms. It might be explicit, such as someone directly saying that an experience isn’t that bad, or more subtle, like changing the subject when the topic of trauma arises. Trusting your instincts in these situations is crucial. If it feels as though your pain is being dismissed, it probably is. Recognising this invalidation is the first step towards seeking more supportive environments and relationships. We know it’s difficult, but if you’re consistently being met with invalidation, dismissal and denial of your feelings in your own relationships, it may be time to reassess your involvement with those people – as Helen often says, this is your bullsh*t filter!
Everyone processes trauma differently, and there is no “correct” way to feel or respond. Some might find solace in talking about their experiences, while others may prefer solitude or creative outlets. What matters is honouring those feelings and allowing yourself to grieve and heal without the pressure of comparison.
Creating a supportive environment involves actively listening and validating each person’s unique experience. Phrases like, “That sounds really hard,” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you,” can provide immense comfort. These expressions acknowledge the pain without comparing it to others, offering a safe space for healing. The power of offering a listening ear or a validating comment can go a huge way to helping someone feel heard.
It’s important to note that recognising the severity of your trauma doesn’t diminish the validity of another’s and vice versa. There is no hierarchy of suffering; pain is pain. Two people can experience the same event and have vastly different reactions, both of which are entirely legitimate.
Empathy and validation are essential in preventing and stopping the trauma olympics. Every experience of trauma is valid, and every person’s path to healing deserves respect and compassion, including your own. After all, the Olympic games are best left to the professionals!
