When people talk of sexual abuse in a trauma context, they’re usually talking about overt sexual abuse. However, another form of sexual abuse exists, and it’s something that can be much harder to identify and understand. Covert sexual abuse involves actions that are sexual in nature but don’t include sexual contact, making it a subtle and insidious form of abuse that can leave deep emotional scars. One of the main reasons people aren’t aware they were covertly sexually abused is because it can be normalised or downplayed within the family.

What is covert sexual abuse?

Covert sexual abuse, also known as emotional or psychological incest, includes behaviours like inappropriate comments about a child’s body, lewd jokes, or an adult relying on a child for emotional support in a way that felt sexually suggestive. These actions might have seemed normal in some families, especially those with a narcissistic parent, but can have a big impact on your wellbeing.

The abuser often tries to fulfil their own emotional or sexual needs, blurring boundaries and creating confusion and distress. This kind of abuse can be hidden in plain sight, making it really hard to understand and address.

How do I know if I am a victim of covert sexual abuse?

As an adult thinking back on your childhood, you might notice some signs that suggest you were a victim of covert sexual abuse. We often hear from people that had never heard the term before, and only after hearing it discussed on the podcast did they realise what had happened! Here are some things to consider:

1. Inappropriate Boundaries: Did an adult in your life consistently invade your personal space or privacy, or share intimate details of their own lives that made you uncomfortable?
2. Sexualised Comments: Were there frequent comments about your appearance that felt inappropriate or made you self-conscious?
3. Emotional Burden: Did you feel responsible for an adult’s emotional wellbeing, especially in a way that seemed more intense than a normal parent-child relationship? Did a parent share details of their intimate relationships or expect you to help them solve their relationship problems?
4. Exposure to Sexual Content: Were you exposed to sexual content, such as hearing or seeing sexual activity between adults? Do you remember inappropriate conversations happening in front of you?

How is this carried into adulthood?

The effects of covert sexual abuse can last well into adulthood, often showing up in different emotional and psychological ways. Here are some common impacts:

1. Trust Issues: You might have a hard time trusting others, especially in intimate relationships. You could find yourself feeling guarded or suspicious, even when there’s no obvious reason.
2. Self-Esteem: Low self-esteem and self-worth can come from the inappropriate attention and comments you received as a child. You might struggle with body image issues or feel like there’s something inherently wrong with you (spolier: there isn’t!).
3. Boundary Problems: Growing up with blurred boundaries can make it tough to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your adult relationships. You might end up being overly accommodating as a people pleaser or excessively guarded. You may not have strong sexual boundaries, which can manifest as a reluctance or avoidance of intimate relationships, or as hypersexuality.
4. Emotional Confusion: It’s common to feel confused and torn about your childhood experiences. You might struggle to reconcile your feelings of love and loyalty towards family members with the realisation of their abusive behaviour.

How to begin healing from covert sexual abuse

The impact of covert sexual abuse can be huge, and we want to recognise how difficult it can be to realise you were subjected to it. If you were brought up in a narcissistic family system, it’s likely you have been conditioned to feel ashamed of your feelings and questions. Firstly, it’s hugely important to acknowledge your feelings and understand that what happened was not your fault. You were a child that deserved to be protected, and the shame is not yours to bear. Although processing and overcoming the trauma experienced by covert sexual abuse survivors is often a long and difficult process, there are some things you can do:

1. Seek Professional Help: A therapist who specialises in trauma or abuse can help you work through your feelings and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
2. Set Boundaries: Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is crucial. This might involve distancing yourself from toxic relationships or redefining how you interact with certain family members. At the core of boudary-setting is a strong identity, which is denied as a child growing up with narcissistic parents or within the context of abuse. Understanding your needs and values is essential, as it helps you figure out what you’re willing to tolerate and what you must walk away from.
3. Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Healing from abuse is a journey, and it’s important to give yourself the time and space to process your emotions. We sometimes hear that having a name for what you experienced is validating and can open doors to further learning. Recognise that the uncertainty and dysregulation you may be feeling is totally normal.
4. Connect with Supportive Communities: Whether through support groups or online communities, connecting with others who have had similar experiences can provide comfort and validation.

Remember, recognising and dealing with the impact of covert sexual abuse is a brave step. Just like our listener in Episode 124, you deserve to heal and find peace, and there are resources and people out there to support you on this journey.