Apologies can be tricky. We all know that feeling when someone says “sorry,” but it doesn’t quite hit the mark. So, what makes a good apology? More importantly, how can you, as the recipient, tell the difference between a genuine apology and one that’s just lip service? Here are seven things that make a good apology.
First off, a good apology acknowledges what happened. It’s not enough for someone to say, “I’m sorry if you were offended.” This kind of apology shifts the blame onto you for feeling a certain way. Instead, you want to hear something like, “I’m sorry for what I said; it was insensitive.” The difference is significant. The latter takes responsibility for the action, showing that the person understands what they did wrong. After all, if they don’t see what they did wrong, how can you expect them to change their behaviour? More on that later…
A solid apology shows empathy. You should feel that the person truly understands the impact of their actions on you. For example, “I’m sorry I missed your birthday. I can imagine that it hurt your feelings and made you feel unimportant.” Here, the person is not just recognising the action but also the emotional weight it carried for you. They’re putting themselves in your shoes, which is a strong aspect of a heartfelt apology.
Watch out for apologies that come with excuses. “I’m sorry, but I was really busy,” doesn’t cut it. A genuine apology separates the apology from the excuse. For instance, “I’m sorry I didn’t attend your event. I was swamped with work, but I should have managed my time better.” This way, the person acknowledges their fault without trying to justify their behaviour. It shows that they understand their responsibility in the situation, and they’re not minimising it.
This can also include gaslighting, which is slightly different. If someones says “I’m sorry, but you can never take a joke!”, or “I’m sorry, but you’re just too sensitive all the time” – this could be a sign they’re gaslighting you.
A good apology often includes a way to make amends. It’s not just about saying sorry; it’s about demonstrating a willingness to make things right. For example, “I’m sorry for breaking your mug. Let me buy you a new one.” This shows that they’re ready to take action to rectify their mistake, which is important for rebuilding trust. It goes beyond words and shows a commitment to making up for their mistake or error.
You can usually tell if someone is being sincere. If the apology seems forced or rushed, it probably is. A sincere apology comes from the heart and often involves a bit of vulnerability. For instance, “I’m really sorry for snapping at you. I’ve been under a lot of stress, but that’s no excuse. I’ll work on handling my stress better.” This shows that the person is genuinely remorseful and can see a need for personal improvement. The sincerity of an apology can often be felt in the tone of voice and body language as much as in the words themselves. It’s also worth mentioning that this can be incredibly difficult for people that have grown up with narcissistic or emotionally abusive parents. In relationships, there’s a theory known as the frog in boiling water that goes some way to explaining why we stay for so long.
Another important component of a good apology is the commitment to change. It’s reassuring to hear, “I’m sorry for being late again. I realise this is a recurring issue, and I’m going to make a conscious effort to manage my time better.” This kind of statement shows that the person is aware of their behaviour patterns and is committed to improving. It’s not just about acknowledging past mistakes but also about preventing future ones.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Why it’s bad: This apology invalidates your feelings and shifts the blame onto you for being upset. It doesn’t acknowledge the wrongdoing or show any empathy.
“I’m really sorry for what I said during our argument. It was hurtful and uncalled for. I understand if you’re upset, and I’ll do my best to communicate more respectfully in the future.”
Why it’s good: This apology acknowledges the specific wrongdoing, empathises with your feelings, and commits to change. It shows that the person is taking full responsibility for their actions and is willing to improve their behaviour.
A good apology is all about taking responsibility, showing genuine remorse, empathising with the affected person, and offering to make things right. When you receive an apology, look for these elements: acknowledgment, empathy, absence of excuses, a willingness to make amends, sincerity, and a commitment to change. These are the signs that the person truly values your relationship and is committed to improving it. As we explain in our apologies episode of The Freudian Slip, by recognising these components can help you differentiate between a mere formality and a heartfelt apology, ultimately guiding you in deciding how to respond and whether to forgive.
It can be difficult when we want to hear someone acknowledge how they’ve hurt us but the apology never comes. As Helen says, this is going to be brutal… as much as you are entitled to want and ask for an apology, the other person is entitled to not give you one! When this happens it can be devastating, but there is a silver lining. You can use instances like this to help you determine who you want in your life and the relationships you need to exit. We know this is easier said than done, especially with the added complexities of narcissism and emotional abuse – people pleasing, fear of rejection and minimising our own needs is common in this community. With help and support, whether it’s from therapists or support networks, you can become stronger at deciding when a relationship is no longer serving you and it’s actively harming you. For extra guidance and lifetime access to specialist resources, our courses can help you build your identity and learn how to cope with rejection, which can both strengthen your resolve and help you thrive in healthier relationships.
