Change. It’s a word that can send shivers down our spines or fill us with excitement. For many of us, especially those who’ve survived narcissistic or emotional abuse, change can feel particularly daunting. But why is that? Why do we often find ourselves clinging to the familiar, even when we know it’s not serving us well?
Imagine you’re standing at the edge of a forest. Behind you is a well-worn path, perhaps not the most pleasant, but one you know like the back of your hand. Ahead lies an unknown trail, potentially leading to beautiful vistas, but also possibly fraught with unseen obstacles. Which would you choose?
For survivors of narcissistic abuse, the familiar path—even if it’s painful—can feel safer than venturing into the unknown. We’ve learned to navigate the twists and turns of our past experiences, developing coping mechanisms that, while not always healthy, have helped us survive. The prospect of change means potentially losing these hard-earned strategies and facing new challenges we’re not sure we’re equipped to handle. Sometimes, we don’t even realise we’re in an abusive situation because it’s insidious and covert, so it’s even harder to spot those new forest paths – ever heard of the frog in boiling water theory?
When you’ve grown up with narcissistic parents or been in an abusive relationship, change often came with negative consequences. Perhaps expressing your needs led to punishment, or attempts to assert yourself were met with gaslighting or emotional manipulation. These experiences can leave deep scars, making any kind of change feel threatening.
It’s as if our brains have been wired to associate change with danger. Even when we logically know that change could be positive, our emotional responses—anxiety, fear, or even panic—can override that logic, keeping us stuck in patterns that no longer serve us.
Narcissistic abuse often leaves survivors with shattered self-esteem. We’ve been told, either directly or indirectly, that we’re not good enough, that our needs don’t matter, or that we’re incapable of making good decisions. This erosion of self-worth can make the prospect of change terrifying. After all, if we don’t believe in ourselves, how can we trust that we’ll be able to navigate new situations successfully?
For many survivors, our identity has been shaped by our experiences of abuse. We might see ourselves primarily as survivors, define ourselves by our ability to endure hardship, or base our self-worth on our capacity to please others, AKA people-pleasing. The idea of change can feel like a threat to this identity. Who are we if not the person who looks after everyone else? What’s our value if we’re not constantly striving to make others happy?
On the flip side, gorwing up in a narcissistic family can completely erode any sense of identity you have – you’re not allowed to develop your own wants, values and needs – so it makes sense that change is scary, because you haven’t been allowed to embrace it or try new things.
Now you know some of the barriers to embracing change, let’s look at how you can change it:
Change isn’t easy, especially for those of us who’ve survived narcissistic abuse. But it’s through change that we grow, heal, and create lives that truly reflect our values and desires. By putting in the work, surrounding yourself with the right community and seeking tailored support, it is possible to overcome a fear of change.
